Serres, Foucault et les démons de la recherche

J'avais promis de parler de procrastination, et voilà que le mois d'avril passe à toute allure, et je n'ai rien écrit. Il faut dire - et je crois que l'excuse est légitime - que je me suis déboitée l'épaule le 10 avril. C'était un dimanche. Sur scène, avec un public devant nous, etc. Mais je n'ai pas crié, j'ai même fini une scène importante pour mon personnage (demande en mariage) et le reste de la troupe a fini la pièce sans moi. The show must go on, or something like that. Mais serieux, ça fait mal ces conneries là. Je ne le souhaite à personne, le déboitement d'épaule.
Enfin bref. Me voilà cloisonnée dans une sorte de brassard. Pas très agréable en ces journées chaudes. Nous avons tous été surpris par la chaleur, qui ne s'était pas manifestée depuis un bien, bien long moment. Et voilà que je porte un brassard thérapeutique (quel est le mot approprié pour décrire ce que je porte?) pour acceuillir le printemps. Ironie du sort.

J'ai écouté deux conférences hier soir, dos à dos, sur internet. Première partie de programme: réflexion de Michel Serres sur la notion d'invention. Deuxième conférence: Michel Foucault donnant un cours au Collège de France, en 1984. C'était sans doute dû à l'enregistrement bruyant du cours ou aux manières acceuillantes de Foucault mais... j'y étais: dans l'amphi numéro 5, surcomplet où les auditeurs étaient debout et assis par terre parce que la salle 6 n'était pas sonorisée... la voix unique de Foucault, et, bien sûr, le cheminement de sa pensée qui nous plonge dans la Grèce Antique. Et de quoi parle-t-il? De courage, bien sûr. Je n'ai pas suffisamment lu son oeuvre pour annoncer, preuves à l'appui, que je suis fan de sa philosophie, mais je crois, tout de même que je le suis. Ou du moins, je suis enthousiasmée par son approche honnête et sans chichi de la réflexion philosophique. Et, de ce que je commence à découvrir, je suis aussi impressionnée par sa capacité à analyser et réfléchir son monde - à retourner les problèmes pour les voir sous un prisme différent. Il utilise une forme d'innocence pour arriver à des conclusions savantes. Son dénuement, sa vulnérabilité face au savoir, me touchent beaucoup.
 Je n'ai pas fini la série de cours, n'ayant jusqu'ici écouté que deux podcasts. Mais Foucault a annoncé dans le deuxième enregistrement qu'il parlerait, au moins un peu, plus tard dans la série, de la paresia, le "dire-vrai", dans un contexte moderne. J'ai donc hâte d'écouter la suite. Je serais bien incapable de résumer ces cours, donc si vous êtes intéressés, ils sont disponibles en ligne.

Sur un plan purement personnel, ce qui m'inquiète, c'est que j'ai soif de recherche en ce moment. J'écoute des podcasts de conférences philosophiques, j'établis des thèses dans ma tête... bilinguisme et théâtre-actualité, fruit d'une culture qui communique l'évènement dans la langue de l'instant. C'est le dernier titre en date.
 Mais je n'aime pas la recherche, merde, ça ne mène pas à ce que je veux faire! N'est-ce pas? Mais, d'un autre côté, j'ai aussi du mal à accepter qu'on travaille tous les jours dans des domaines différents sans prendre le temps de considérer la recherche qui est consacrée à ces domaines. J'envie un peu les médecins qui doivent lire la recherche dédiée à leur profession pour continuer à pratiquer le mieux possible. Ce n'est pas tellement que je les envie, mais je ne comprends pas pourquoi on n'a pas cette habitude, ailleurs. Si on considérait la recherche de manière plus disciplinée dans le monde du théâtre, je suis convaincue qu'on ferait moins d'erreurs, et qu'on créerait un théâtre plus innovant. Je ne veux pas m'enfermer dans une tour d'argent, mais je suis convaincue des vertues de la recherche appliquée à la vie.
D'une certaine façon, mon solo pour Fresh Voices, c'était un peu de la recherche, un peu du théâtre. Peut-être qu'il faut que je regarde dans cette direction:  ne pas m'arrêter, ni de réfléchir, ni de faire du théâtre. Et on verra bien ce qui arrivera.

To procrastinate? Or not.

Although today started off wrong - I was late for an appointment because I overslept... yes, yes, bad - it has consistently gotten better, mainly because I have been on task about everything I set on doing, and now can see how nice it is to have a clean kitchen, because I cleaned it! Now, I know that no one cares that I cleaned my kitchen. No one should. But there is one thing that's interesting. Ever since I moved to my current appartment (September 2010), I thought of cleaning the microwave oven. In fact, every time I put something in the microwave, I thought of cleaning it, because it remained quite dirty. I lived with the knowledge that I should clean it, yet never did. And, because I kept on thinking about it, and never doing it, I felt guilty. This non-action fuelled, to a small extent, poor self-estime. So now, I feel better. I stopped putting the task off and I, genuinely, feel empowered. Isn't it weird? Such a little thing. Imagine what it would feel like if I stopped putting off the big things!
Ok, ok, I'll admit it, I have been listening to the iprocrastinate podcast, which is a podcast dedicated to research on procrastination. And I am finding that I am a true procrastinator and will probably remain one for the rest of my life. With that in mind, I really need to understand my procrastinating disability and cope with it. Timothy Pychyl is the  podcast host, and he approaches the topic of procrastination in many different ways. He doesn't shy away from philosophical perspectives, and links the (non) act of putting things off with what the Existentialists call bad faith (la fameuse "mauvaise foi" de Sartre) or self-deception. As a procrastinator, I am a master at self-deception by giving myself a zillion irrational excuses not to do the simplest (or the hardest) of tasks.
But this led me to think about the world at large, and wondering whether we were, as an increasinly global society, addicted to procrastination? The debate on climate issues certainly leads me to believe that we tacitly agree, as a society, to put things off. One could argue that some of the budget stalling in the US has to do with national procrastination. But it makes sense, if you view procrastination from an existentialist point of view, since it all comes down to making choices. And, whether we procrastinate or not, we make choices all the time. Every second is a choice, so long as we live to experience the second. But are we willing to actively engage in the choices we make, or passively let the laziest choice just, happen?
This is only the beginning of my reflexion on this topic, and I will come back to it soon. But I promised myself I would start working on translation stuff at 4.00, so I must leave the blog for now. Only to come back later, armed with more evidence and research to back my claims!

Cash, money, power

I have been trying to find a respectable topic to blog about these last few days. But somehow, words seem to fail whenever I think about the big things happening in the world. The Japanese disaster is astounding, the Libyan war unsettling, the American budget decisions baffling, the rise of French extreme-right leader Marine Le Pen distressing, etc.

And when I think of my own personal life, I realize that I am both incredibly fortunate and kind of - stuck.
I think of issues dear to me and projects that should see the light of day. That makes me feel ambitious and creative. But then I realize that I need to make money.
Filled with enthusiasm (I can't help it), I search for jobs on the internet. I even - though not as much as I would want - send applications, and write rapturous cover letters. So far, I have not received many answers (read none).  That's when I start to wonder how anyone is able to succeed - and by this I mean "being fairly credited for what they do". I hear a lot of good things about networking and proving yourself and accepting to work for free. I have yet to fully master the arts of networking and self-confidence, but I have most definitely worked my fair share of free hours. No doubt that I will continue for some time, but I still don't think it's right. Well, not in the long run, at least. It's great to acquire new skills and get experience, but  working for free does eventually make you feel exploited and unimportant - not feelings that help one succeed, as far as I can tell. As my boyfriend likes to remind me: "cash, money, power". And no, he's not an investment banker.

I wonder how the people who are "at the top" of whatever they do got to the top of whatever they do. Sheer luck? Courage? Both? Hard work? Money? Friends? Coincidence (other word for "luck")?
And how much compromise should I be willing to make in my professional career? Do I have to narrow my interests, settle in a niche job and never get out of it?
I love working in theatre because it's such an expansive art form. It includes so many people, mediums, props, costumes. It's messy and lively. A rehearsal can be boisterous one moment and awkward the next. You constantly have to work with people, cooperate, keep on going despite frustration, fatigue or embarrassment. You have to know how to communicate and depend on others. It's hard work, but so gratifying when the show goes up and the audience relates. Clapping! Success!
But theatre, in its strict form, is limited to the stage. And I would like to take that thespian energy and that sense of cooperation and extend it to the outside world. I would like to offer creative solutions to real-life problems, as well as pretend ones. I would like to have a little bit more power (cash, money) to address issues and make alternative ideas more visible. A daunting task, in this confusing world.  But I can't shake it off. It's not just me.  A lot of people and institutions, in a lot of ways, can't shake that desire off. And they act on it. They strive to be political, in the noble sense of the word : responsible and accountable within society.
But in order to succeed, we all need to stop being disgusted by cash so that we can access more ressources and be a visible, positive influence, gaining - go ahead, say it, say it! - power. Because, let's face it: if we're weak, others are strong. If our strong ideals are weakly communicated, other weaker concepts are publicized to everyone everywhere.

All that to say that I promise to send more resumes out, and not undersell myself. At least, I'll try.

Words in floods like the overspilling oceans

The words will come in floods and I won't control them.
I'll utter something I thought but didn't mean to say. It will be heard, I will have to explain.
It will mean more than what I ever thought it should mean. But, come to think about it, maybe it does... mean. I mean, something. Important.

I finished the last few pages of The Road after having stalled reading the ending.  Deeply troubled, because of McCarthy's lucid pessimism and because, in so many ways does he speak a truth we're all dutifully ignoring : if we keep on going the way we are, bad things will happen.

I have now started reading Laurence Olivier's autobiography, and it's entertaining, light and peppy.
But it's not making me forget about the end of the world. I keep on wondering if humans will cause the end of all life, or if we (along with numerous other life forms) will be swept off the earth, only to be replaced by a new life-cycle. Then I fantasize grimly: after the complete disappearance of humans, maybe the earth will gulp all remaining human-made ruins and breathe unimaginable life into them, in a way unfathomable to our minds numbed by selfishness and greed.
Until I see a plastic bag on the sidewalk, and I feel like crying - because it's on the ground on its way to the ocean, and because I'm not picking it up. It's honestly hard to walk around Bethlehem. All that litter generates so much guilt and questionning.
I feel so small unable unhelpful useless. I have a brain, I can put two and two together - we are in trouble - but I'm not finding positive, creative solutions that would deeply challenge the national (American) consensus. Of course, living a relatively green lifestyle is a small step in the right direction, but we need to go further than that. The billionnaires who deny climate change such as David Koch really need to be challenged, more than with a couple of placards. There's got to be a secret weapon in the liberal's arsenal that we have not tried yet. That secret weapon is probably made of money - that is invested in long-term solutions. And that secret weapon needs to be deployed now. Otherwise, we're screwed.

Do tell!

I attended an inspiring event tonight: an evening of storytelling. Two seasonned storytellers started the night off with "coming of age" stories, and then opened the floor to the audience. Anyone could sit on the blue stool and tell a 10 minute story. Many were shared. We were all enthused by the familiarity of other people's tales. We were also transported in different states, countries, epochs. There were so many moments of acute listening and sharing. It reminded me of dinner parties when our family friend, dear friend of my father's, Roland, would tell long, long, hilarious jokes.
We need moments like these in our lives; at least, I do. Times when one person (at a time) is allowed to share, without being cut off, or dismissed as chatty. When the experience, the wisdom, the awkwardness, the beauty, the sadness, the silliness of life are passed on.
 Storytelling isn't exactly theatre, because theatre almost inevitably creates distance between the performer and the audience. Storytelling is more a part of the every-day, an accepted interaction between people. We all tell so many stories. One could even consider any re-telling of a past event to be storytelling.
 Good conversations can have a similar cathartic effect to a good storytelling bash. Two or more people gather together and talk, going back and forth between experiences and anecdotes.
In this case, the framework of the event facilitated the telling. It opened up a space, creating "the space of the stool". You sat on that stool, and you were granted the permission to go on and spill the beans - whatever beans you felt should be spilled at that particular moment, with those particular people. And everyone was right behind you, lending their ear.
In some storytelling instances, the space is under a tree, or around a dinner table, or in a tent, or around a campfire, or in the dark, or on a roof, a balcony, a garden, a blank page...
Let's make more space for stories. Of the kind that uplift us, and that give us the impetus to live more fully.

Veille de première

Veille de première... on joue notre spectacle Fresh Voices: The Matter of Moments demain. J'ai hâte.
Je m'aperçois, avec chaque spectacle, de la chance que j'ai de faire du théâtre, d'avoir l'opportunité de créer des choses qui se dévoilent sur scène. Et ça me conduit à réfléchir de plus en plus à ce que c'est,  exactement qu'une opportunité. Un article là-dessus à venir sur ce blog, j'éspère.

En attendant un billet de blog plus fourni, voici un petit passage du Tiers Instruit de Michel Serres, que je cite directement (le deuxième paragraphe ici retranscrit) dans mon spectacle Where is this Place? :

Ailleurs alors n'est jamais comme ici, nulle pièce ne ressemble à aucune autre, aucune province ne saurait se comparer à telle ou telle et toutes les cultures diffèrent. La houppelande portulan dément ce que prétend le roi de la lune.
Voyez de tous vos yeux ce paysage zébré, tigré, nué, moiré, chamarré, chagriné, fouetté, lacunaire, ocellé, bariolé, déchiré, à lacets noués, à bonnets croisés, à franges mangées, partout inattendu, misérable, glorieux, magnifique à couper le souffle et faire battre le coeur.

Beautiful shadows

I am fascinated by puppetry. I always have, really. I vividly remember my 9th birthday spent on the plane ( journeying to the USA) when I opened my present on my folding table and it was a marionnette. I was thrilled.
For Christmas this year, I received a beautiful two sided nepalese marionnette representing the godesses of virginity and creation. And I made a whole set of shadow puppets for this year's Christmas City Follies at Touchstone. They ended up not being used, but they still exist and may make an appearance sonner than later. In fact, I am incorporating puppets for my Fresh Voices piece, and am turning to shadow puppetry.
I'm therefore sharing with you my two treasured  shadow sources. If anyone has more inspirational sources to share, please do!

 Michel Ocelot's Princes et Princes et Princesses made a strong visual impression on me when I saw it in the cinema (as did Ocelot's animation film Kirikou et la Sorcière which is one of my favorite movies).

I just discovered the first full-lenght animation film in History - Lotte Reiniger's The Adventures of Prince Achmed . Mesmerizing cinematography, and poetry with every frame.