I should be writing about a play I went to see on friday. I should be writing in french. I will eventually write the paper and submit it to Les Trois Coups. I will. But I just want to write here for a while. No particular topic, except maybe, the idea of speech. Sometimes I feel like I need speech therapy.
I have been talking too much these last few days. And, in many social circumstances, I don't talk as much as I babble. I don't babble as much as I laugh and breathe in the middle of my sentence and... never finish it. I annoy myself with my lack of oral clarity. I wish I could be less fucking awkward! Excuse my language, but really. I do.
The thing is, when I talk, I have to take many things in consideration:
- First off, I have to think about what I'm saying. That's not as easy as it seems. If someone asks me something, I have to think about it. But, when you're talking, you don't have that much time to think. You just have to say. Produce words, construct sentences, build arguments... all while you're thinking about how you're going to keep on talking about something you often don't even give a shit about.
- I also have to pay attention to the person who's listening. Maybe I worry too much about meaningless stuff, but I have this fear of boring people to tears. So, if I get the impression that the person is really not interested in what I'm saying, I'm going to continue talking but while doing so, I will try to find ways to gracefully end the conversation, or ask a pertinent question so that I can shut up and let other people do the talking.
- There are many times when I talk and people stop listening. I don't actually get offended, because sometimes I myself don't actually know if I'm still talking or just uttering syllables that don't make much sense.
- It's not always that bad. When I've prepped myself, when I've coached myself to speak correctly and not to stop in the middle of a thought, or digress, or just stop because I'm tired of the sound of my voice, then, I can sustain decent conversation.
- Of course, sometimes, I'm actually interested in the topic , and have relatively instructive things to add to the conversation pot. Unfortunately, such moments are rare. But they are cherished.
- In my mind, conversations really should be between two people. Maybe three, sometimes. But no more. I don't like talking to impress. It's too much pressure. I like to talk to communicate. And you can only communicate with one person at a time, right?
- I'm just starting to use jokes as ways to avoid talking too much. When you crack a joke, it makes people laugh, it places you on the "conversation map", but you don't actually have to say much. I like it.
- In one of my theatre classes this year, the professor invented this conversation machine. Basically, everyone has a different role - the conversation starter, the one who always agrees, or disagrees, or tells anecdotes, etc - , and if each person keeps that role, then the conversation can be sustained indefinitely. It shows how much talking is as much about role playing as it is about expressing thoughts or emotions.
- Writing really is the way to go.