dimanche 3 mai 2009


Funny how moods translate physically.
For the longest time, I had not been able to fall asleep at night or to wake up in the morning very easily. I'd stay up late and eventually force myself to turn the lighs off. In the morning, my alarm and the radio would wake me up, but actually getting up took another half hour.

But now that my plans for next year are starting to be clearer, and that I decided to finish my dissertation by June, I have started to fall asleep more suddenly. In the same way I used to, at university, just fall on my bed and sleep, perhaps after a few beers or cocktails with friends (and sometimes fully sober but simply exhausted). That's one of my favourite ways of falling asleep: still dressed, completely unaware of what's going on a few seconds after having put my head on the pillow... and then waking up int the morning realizing I still have my clothes on. That's when I know I'm relaxed and well. When falling asleep is not a problem, and waking proves to be easy because there are interesting things to be done during the day.
Not to say that I'm not scared about going to the US this summer. If I get the internship, I'll need to find an appartment to live in, get along with a flatmate, learn how America works again, the culture quirks, the habits. And most importantly, I'll work in a theatre and will have to do everything not to let myself or anyone else down with my lack of experience. I'll meet new people, see old friends again I haven't seen in a long time. I'll be building myself a different life, without the safety net of a university.
If I don't get the internship, it'll be even scarier, since I'll have to improvise, start from scratch.

And although I have lately been able to fall asleep, that doesn't mean I dont have nightmares. I dreamt that I was being knived by this scary looking guy in a cinema, and that I retaliated by hurting him with old tin cans. I woke up, because the dream made me, and remember thinking: "I could get shot!" and then falling asleep again.

Maybe nighttime drama shouldn't be discussed during the day.

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